Travel Jitters

Tomorrow I leave.


It is the weirdest thought. Especially since I was planning on leaving in late June. Yet even as I have been praying and seeking God and asking if this is right, I have such peace.

Over the last few months, God has been scraping at my identity- at the person I thought I was destined to <always> be. And it has been… amazingly difficult and so rewarding in the enduring of the process. Granted, I am not done yet as my goal is to continue changing from glory to glory.
My goal is to always be compassionate, kind, and loving. To always be empathetic, content, and learning. To always reflect Christ to those I meet.

This morning as I was journaling about leaving, I was recalling back to the day I left. It seems like so long ago and yet only last week, and as I was thinking back I remember praying for contentedness.

Today, my prayer is the same.

I have had so many good times and good laughs and good cries here that it is hard not to think of the contentedness that came with partnering with the living God. And, as I sit here and think about it, I really have no reason to fear I have not learned contentedness. Silly me. (Not that I have not enjoyed my first hot showers in months and coffee in the mornings. ;) )


Over half of my year has been spent in Uganda, with taking a DTS team in January and February and then coming back in early August. Where I did not like it before, I fell in love with it during.
It was hard. It was destructive at times. It was humiliating at others. But it was so beyond worth it.
It was worth the people making fun of me and embarrassing me. It was worth the slaps and punches and hits at the beginning. It was worth the Luganda lessons I hated. ( I think it is a hard language.) It was worth the late nights and early mornings, and charts upon charts upon charts. It was worth the tears over not being able to see big picture or misunderstanding the point of a book. It was worth the tears and laughs over the marriage proposals. It was worth the friendships that I made and invested in knowing I may never see their faces again. It was so beyond worth the pain, tears, and uncomfortableness. It was so beyond worth it. Because I still have Jesus.

It is such a foundational truth- I have Jesus.

The thing that scares me the most (let us get vulnerable here) is going back to a familiar place after having changed so much. I literally know nothing about who I am now. Okay, not literally nothing, but it feels like it sometimes. Sometimes, someone will ask me what I want and I will literally have no idea. Having no idea scares me- a lot. How can I not know myself and be okay with it? I do not feel very intra-tuned. What is going on inside of me? What are my wants and desires? Who is this person that sees herself as pure and blameless and full of life? I do not want to lose her and I am terrified I will because when I go back to my base the people there know me as one person and not this godly woman I have become… and I know I should not fear. Honest, I know. And this is again where I remind myself I still have Jesus.

So yeah, I have that peace beyond understanding. Yeah, my emotions are not in tune with what is going on in reality. (I keep telling myself that I did not really just say goodbye to so many lovely, amazing people.) I have Jesus. Even if I am going back before the end of a school.

I did not fail. I did not run away. No. I succeed. I partnered with God and in Him there is no failure. I ran to my Savior, not away.


I have Jesus.

Pure And Blameless

You ever feel like no matter how hard you try, you are constantly losing? No, not is not the question I am wanting to ask- do you ever feel like where you are starting is so far away from the starting line? As I explained it to my roommate this morning- you are told your test is over the one mile, but you have to start half a mile from there and still get tested over the one. Oh, did I mention the other runners are only running one mile?
    That is how I have felt for years.
    No matter how hard I try, I am still striving to only get to the starter’s block. I looked at myself as impure and unlovely and one that could not be part of the bride of Christ because I was a stain in the church. Man. I was so wrong.
    All of this came about with 1 Timothy. (It is a really good book. Takes fifteen minutes to read through the whole thing.) A theme I traced was living a godly and blameless life. At the beginning of the book, my soul felt sad. I could feel myself sinking into a bout of depression and I was scared that I would not be able to get out of the slump. Anyway, so I was sad. I remember thinking: if only one day I could be good enough to begin this journey to godly and blameless. If one day, I too could be considered unstained. See, I have just been so convinced that there is NO WAY I am not pure/ blameless/ unstained/ lovely.
    Yet, that is not how God sees me. Engaging with God and Holy Spirit as I went through 1 Timothy, broke that mindset. Somewhere in the book I began to see and understand that God is not saying “almost”; "you are almost to the starting line! Almost, keep going.” But all along He has seen me as His pure and blameless bride.
    There was one night, Jack and I were talking and he said this to me. Almost the exact same thing. That he sees me as pure and blameless- the same way Christ does. And I remember thinking there is no way that they really see me this way because if they knew of my sins, if they knew my scars they could not look at me like this.
    Today, God has been showing me that I am not starting half a mile behind the rest, striving to catch up, but rather it is through Him and His goodness and mercy that He has redeemed and renewed me. And that- HE- puts me at the starting line with all the others. HE is the reason I can then train myself in godliness (as Paul charges Timothy). I am not sure if I made my point clearly— picture Christ on the cross. His face swollen and bloody. His wrists caked with blood and the block under his feet stained with the blood that cleanses you and me. In one hand, He holds justice and sovereignty and in the other He holds mercy and free will. His feet will soon triumph over death. His death and resurrection will drastically change the world.
    When I chose Jesus as my Lord and Saviour and made Him my King, God then put the blood of Christ over me and I was marked with Hid fingerprint. He claimed me and washed me and bathed me until I was white as snow.
But for years, I have not understood this bathing. I have been acting like there is something I have to do in order to be pure and white before Him. Yesterday, He showed me that this is incorrect- at my confession He washed me and put me at the starting line. It was my view that said I was miles behind everyone else and would never be able to catch up.
    Maybe that makes sense. Maybe not.
    But it was mind-blowing to me.

Seeing God for the First Time

  
Okay... This is a few weeks late..



    Week Eight has concluded with finishing 1 Thessalonians and if I am honest, I have hit a brick wall of exhaustion. The school has been so good and I am so grateful for this opportunity. God has been stripping out false thoughts and foundations, and together we have been laying new ones. It has been such a hurting, healing, and renewing process. No wonder after eight weeks I am tried. I have a solid ‘A’ in the course and I can say, with great conviction, that I have worked hard for it.
    I finished up Romans last night… In lecture, we had a discussion about God’s sovereignty and man’s free will. It was really good. The tension between the two is such a beautiful thing and, truly, I cannot see how anyone would not want to know God for who He truly, beautifully is.
    Colossians has been one of my hardest books. Why? Simple: the supremacy of Christ. Christ is the ultimate authority. Throughout the entire work of the book, I felt like the Lord was asking me if HE was enough for me. Sadly, I had to respond back with a ‘no’.
    Let me explain myself here: Over the course of my life, I have sought for approval. I have wanted the approval of my parents, my employers/ bosses, my mentors, my friends/ co- workers, and yes, of course God. The problem has come in with me desiring the approval of man of the approval of my God. Something thinks I should do this- okay, there I go, or that I should not do this- okay, I will not. Yet sometimes, I have the conviction of Holy Spirit to do the opposite. Like now.
    When I first began to pray about doing Bible school, I knew God said to do the first term and after that, the other terms were a bonus. I was determined to have the other two terms with my first term, but the money never came in, so I have been having to take time away from homework to pray and seek God on what I am to do. Actually, it was more along the lines of telling God what He needs to be doing for me to be happy. Okay, honestly, Uganda is not my context. There is just so much about the culture that I just cannot wrap my mind around, but in my first location (Arua), I was praying for contentedness- the kind that Paul writes about in Philippians. Here in Jinja, I have actually found it. Yeah, it is lonely sometimes. Yeah, I wish town did not take forever to get to (like 30 mins). Sure, I am having a hard time remembering certain English phrases mean something else here. And yes, I am tired of cold showers that leave me with goose bumps and the desire for a cup of cocoa. But even with all of that, I am content. I have my Jesus. I am growing and changing and I literally do not recognize the person I have become. God promised this school would be a time of transformation and He is still fulfilling that promise. I will go to the ends of the world to follow Him. BUT, at this point, I am not at the point where I seek His approval first.
    I flew to Uganda, East Africa on a one- way ticket. I have been fundraising for the money to continue on in the school then return home, but after many appeals I still do not have the funds. Each time I have gone to God in prayer on who to ask, I have a blank page in the end. Do not get me wrong, I KNOW God is faithful, but I also know He only promised term one. After struggling for the last week, I have made my decision, with the conviction of the Holy Spirit inside me, to pursue going home after term one. Many tears have gone into the process because this is not what I want.
    I want to stay. I want to delve deep into the Old Testament and come up praising God for who He is. But God has been showing me that I am fully equipped with the tools to do just that. AND that I can bring other people along with me on the journey to see God as He truly is- always sovereign, always faithful, always in control, always just and always merciful. I have seen so much of God in these last 14 weeks of my trip to Uganda that I cannot even remember why I had a problem seeing Him any other way than how He is.
    He is so beautiful.
    So glorious.
        Grace and peace.

Hallelujah Anyway

    This morning I began listening to a podcast from Grace Chapel Church in Tennessee. The family I am with right now in Uganda used to attend the church. A few weeks ago, I was encouraged to listen to one of their podcast. The last part in a 16 part series. Well, being me, I could not start at the end, so yesterday I downloaded all 16 parts of the series. It took forever, but it is already so well worth it.

     So at 10 am, I grabbed my headphones, phone, Bible and journal and pressed "play" on Hallelujah Anyway. I was not really sure what to expect, but I was not disappointed in my lack of expectations. The series looks at the book of Philippians. Honestly, I rather enjoy the book, so it helped my decision in downloading all episodes of the series. The first podcast looks at Philippians 1:1. Yes, only one verse.
     "   Paul and Timothy, bond-servants of Christ Jesus, to all the saints in Christ Jesus who are in Philippi, including the overseers and the deacons:    "
      Paul is currently in a Roman prison awaiting his sentence. The verdict that eventually has him beheaded. On average, the book of Philippians states every seven verses to rejoice or be thankful. Paul, in prison, writing to the church (men and women who are not imprisoned) to rejoice. Say what?!
       Anyway, this episode focused on "bond- servant of Jesus Christ". A bond-servant in the Hebrew culture is someone who adores his master & through that love voluntarily commits to his master and his house to stay. (This is after they have already worked the first six years. See Deuteronomy 15: 12-17) After the servant voluntarily chooses to stay, an awl (metal spike) is taken to his ear. The awl then marks him for all of the community to see.
        God looks for people to become bond-servants. Not merely, "Yay Jesus is alive" believers, but people who say everything I am is Yours.
        This thing of "everything I am is Yours" was really convicting for me. See, since being in Uganda, I have had a really bad heart attitude. My heart has been saying 'this is not worth it to me'. I have had to constantly remind myself that the loneliness and lack of community I feel, the food that I am not a fan of, and the stress of not having all of my finances for my school is, well... okay. But it is not okay for my attitude to be ugly. I have had to say every morning, "Jesus is worthy. He is worth 10.5 months in a country I do not like being in. He is worth me leaving my friends that are more like family. He is worth me fundraising for another school. He is worth all of me." But the last week, I have not been saying this. I have gone back to complaining. 'Jesus, I'm lonely. Jesus, I do not want to teach math another day. Jesus, I do not like eggs. Jesus...Jesus...Jesus.' Whine, whine. Complain, complain. Basically saying 'Jesus, I do not want my ear against the door anymore. Take back the piercing because I am no longer comfortable.'
          So based off of Hallelujah Anyway Part II, I have seven things I am wanting to start practicing on the daily. I am excited to see my attitude change.
          1) I want to be a blesser. Paul always says grace & peace to you. He blesses people. I want to too.
          2) I want to be thankful. In all things and for all things. There is always something.
          3) I want to be prayerful. Pray without ceasing. That is how I want to be.
          4) I want to be joyful. I want to be exceedingly joyful. Different joyful.
          5) I want to be affirming. God is doing something fantastic in our lives, but sometimes we just need to hear it.
         6) I want to be a "right- thinker". When you love right, you think right.
         7) I want to be (*gulp*) affectionate. Able to say 'I miss you' or 'I love you' or whatever.



     I know this post is choppy, but I had to get it out. Put it out there for people to see and hear what I am saying. Be able to say: Please pray. I am having a hard time, but I do not want to give up. I want my ear against the door and I want to be marked for the whole world to see that I voluntarily choose to follow Jesus Christ to the ends of the earth with a joyful, thankful heart.

Rebuilding?

You know that moment when you receive revelation and you cannot deny it?

I just had one of those.

I cried. A lot. And I will cry some more as I apologize to people...

Today, I was in Eph. 4, 5, 6. (Again.) Which led me into this whole thing of... actually, I am not sure. I just know that moment was there. I cannot deny that moment was there, yet I am not sure if I can fully explain that moment without the amount of detail it would need. Only not all of it is mine to share, so there lies a problem. Only it is not too much of a problem because I would never reveal something I know someone else would be uncomfortable with me sharing. But here I go:

Today was difficult. Before school even really began, one of the girls had a mini breakdown. I personally think she just did not want to do school. Then before the end, another child did and I could not figure out the algebra lesson for today. (Cause the curriculum teaches it completely different than I would and I did not understand what they were getting at. Wordy. Wordy in math. So not okay.) And... yeah, today was just difficult.

Then I decided to talk to Jesus. And my day got harder. Then better. But mostly harder.

Like I said, I was in Ephesians. I love Ephesians. I can always get something out of Ephesians. ALWAYS.

"Walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love..."


"...As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there bu waves and carried about bu every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming, but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ..."


"Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be out away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just also as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma."


"Therefore, be careful how you walk, not as unwise men, but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father; and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ."

I know, I know. What am I getting at?  Bear with me.

Today, I felt like God was asking me if I still believe it (Sorry, but I do not believe I am free to disclose what it is). And it was hard to answer. Because if I said 'yes' than I would play the part of a fool and if I said 'no' than I would play the part of an even bigger fool. Cause really, I see the question as: do you still believe I speak the truth to you?
So what is keeping me from saying "No."?

My pride. My big, ole, fat pride that says I need no one to survive. I can do it alone. I don't need you, I do not even need me. My pride that says I can go solo and be fine. Only... only I do not want to survive anymore. I want to thrive.

[The big moment:]
"Storms give us a chance to build again, if we built wrongly the first time."  Because a bad foundation means relating to people and/or to God incorrectly- that being said, I think one has to communicate with another in order to rebuild. And I do not communicate. My pride (that I indulge a lot) does not let me. I just shut down, get moody and spacey, or scared. How could I expect someone to rebuild with me when I did not communicate or give space to speak into my life and say 'hey. i love you, but this needs to change/ stop/ etc.'

And now I see what I have been communicating by not communicating.
Now, now I see.

TO HIM BE THE GLORY

   It's no secret: I am not the hugest fan of Africa. Ever since I was little, I never wanted to go. I would hear people talk about "going to the nations" and I would think 'Yeah, I want to go!' Then I would think about where I wanted to go. India. Thailand. Turkey. A couple of closed nations. A few nations aggressive to those in the faith. But never, ever Africa. Not once.
   I would read books and magazines about those who were persecuted and my heart would race. My thought was always 'How amazing! To be so dedicated, so in love, that they would sacrifice their lives.' Many people thought it was horrifying that people died, but these persecuted, unwavering brothers and sisters were my heroes. Still are my heroes. And every now and then, I will get into a discussion with someone about martyrdom and they think I am obsessed and way to into it, but I, personally, think it would be an honor.
   See, in my mind, I live among every day heroes. Yes, in Africa. And yeah, it isn't a closed country. It is not my ideal, but they, on the day-to-day, through their actions, words and thoughts proclaim "TO HIM BE THE GLORY". Just by being here in East Africa.
   I came to tutor math (mostly Algebra I) and, yeah, I expected to learn too, but if I am honest I did not expect to learn all I have. And it has only been a couple of weeks.
   In the family I have had the honor of living life with there are nine kids. Eight are present- one leaves in a little over two weeks to head to her DTS in S. Africa. That leaves us with seven kids, ages 8- 15 (there are two that are 8 & two that are 11). A family of nine (kinda) living in a different context than they are familiar.
   I fear I am not making my point.
   I am here to learn. Anyone who knows me well knows I enjoy learning... But for the past month I have been grumbling and complaining. I, very begrudgingly, board the plane 20 days ago. I have complained about the context (culture, food, clothing, etc.( I will be in for the the 10 months over and over. Yeah, I still do not understand why East Africa, but sometimes I do not get to understand. Sometimes, I just need to say, "Get over yourself. Life is not about you" or "Grow up; you do not always get your way". My point is this: I need to always be saying "TO HIM BE THE GLORY" despite how I feel or where I am in the world.
Eph. 3:14- 4:3

Travel Day

It's here. It is finally here. But no, if I am honest, that is not excitement you hear in my voice, or even what leaps off the page.
I mean, yeah. In some ways I am excited. Very very excited, but in others I am not. But I am hoping that my excitement will eventually outweigh my non-excitement. Many of my friends arrived yesterday- the new staff is here! YAY. Only I leave. Minus the two I worked with all summer, I will only spend a couple of hours with them. Such a bummer. But the thing that is the scariest to me, is that Madison, WI has become home to me. Now, I am leaving it for 10.5 months. What if I can't make Uganda home?
Man, what ifs could kill a person. Like for real.
I am listening to iTunes radio and Kari Jobe's "Find You on My Knees" just came on. The reason I mention this is because there is a line that says: "I will find you in the place I'm in". And it is true. The whole reason I am going to Uganda is to learn more about God... He would not lead me somewhere only to leave me high and dry.

Keep praying I keep getting perspective. Cause mine is all sorts of screwed up.

Vulnerability

  You know what scares me more than most things?
Yeah, that's right.
                               Vulnerability.

So here here is my blog post dedicated to it.





I am terrified.
Not even scared, but terrified. See, I have never really wanted to go to Africa. Never really cared to go back, and yet, I am going. I have been and I am going back. It is not like I hate Africa.. it is just, I am terrified that going to Uganda for 10.5 months means that I will be there until I die. And I do not want to end my life in Africa. Sure, I will stay if that is what I feel the Lord is telling me to do. He is the Lord, King of my life, and I His beloved servant, His faithful friend. But I do not want to end up in a place I am not passionate about- especially when I am passionate about a different area of the world.


And I'm terrified people are going to forget about me.

After leaving so many people and them leaving me over my 23 years of existance, well, I am entirely certain (even if it is not true) that people will just be busy here and I will be busy there and they will forget me come Christmas when I am on a completely different continent or come my birthday or when the fall DTS starts or when the summer gets really busy. One of my dear friends, Brook, I will not see for over a year. And even though neither one of us are good with keeping up with each other, especially when we are apart, I know we will be able to get together when I come stateside and catch up without a problem. But what if he isn't here when I come back? And Jack broke up with me... what if we cannot make things work and when I get back I am friend zoned- a place I really really do not want to be. And I know, I am playing the what- if game, but I am just being honest and saying it how it is. I am scared they are going to forget about me since I will be half-way around the world.


I do not want to make new "friends".
'Cause making new friends takes a lot of work. And I am exhausted. And I like the friends I currently have and I don't care to make new ones right now. Especially after a really stressful, emotionally draining summer. (One of my teachings was on identity and it was pretty draining.)  Not only does making friends take a lot of work, but that means that I also have to work on being vulnerable with new people.


Do not get me wrong. I am excited to go. Despite everything, I know Uganda is going to be great. I know I am going to learn a lot. I know I am doing what God has said. Maybe, I am just being emotional. Maybe I should go find other people to hang out with and stop thinking so much and stop packing and stop doodling and stop freaking out. Yeah, maybe.


Okay, too much vulnerability. I am done for at least a week. ha

Long overdue

    Today, the Mission Adventures team had the day off. Since we have teams for half of the time that I am still in town, I decided to pack. Such a feat packing! Honestly, there is not a whole lot that I have here in Wisconsin that I do not use to some capacity, but it was so weird packing up today.
    I have a pile of clothes on my bed. I was beginning to pack them up when someone I was meeting with showed up. I also realized right before that that some of the clothes I need (socks mostly) need to be washed. So now, I am waiting for the dryer to finish so I can begin packing up these clothes so I do not have to share my bed tonight. haha
    The desk is currently suffocating under all of the things on it. Mostly things I need to find a spot for. I kind of just threw clothes, books, etc in my huge suitcase... I don't regret it one but. haha This morning I woke up in a panic, thinking about how the day has finally come that I am going to pack up my things in hopes of getting ahead and not stressing myself out with all that is still going on...
    I have wanted to go to another country and stay there for a good amount of time for awhile now. 10.5 months seems like a good amount of time. lol but seriously, that is a long time. and now that I am so close, I am nervous. I know it will be good, so so good, but I am. I am nervous. And all of these crazy "what ifs" that don't even make sense are running through my mind. I am hands-down excited, but the nervousness overtakes that by a lot.
     Jack and I are going to build a medical kit. And I am looking forward to the process. I love to learn (hence the nine month Bible course) and I am excited to create my own kit. And, let's face it, I will use 97-99.9% of that kit. Most of it on myself. But the doctor did say that my heart causes my equilibrium to be slightly off balance. So that accounts for .03% of my balance issues. The other bit is all me. ;)
   Okay, I need to go check the dryer.
   Later. T- 20 days

Wow. It is already May!

I started writing an update a few days ago, but then I decided that I honestly have no idea what to say. Now that I have gathered some of my thoughts together though, I feel comfortable enough updating you all.

First things first, my month and a half of being in the kitchen is almost over. I had originally thought that I would be in the kitchen cooking for our Bible school for the whole summer, but my life was decided for me and I am only in here for a couple of more weeks. Yay. With the end of the kitchen comes the beginning of working with Mission Adventures. I'm super stoked (as I said before). I am not entirely certain what Mission Adventure holds, but I know it is going to be a good, challenging and, of course, growing experience. I am looking forward to working with the team that is set up. (There is a rumor that we may go camping for staff training. YES PLEASE.)

I received an email from YWAM Hopeland about my School of Biblical Studies (SBS) application. I had to snail mail the application, reference forms, etc to Jinja, Uganda. The email was informing me they had received my application. It came just in time too because I was beginning to worry about whether they had received it or not. Now, I am just waiting for my official acceptance.

I have been really stressing out about going to Uganda for 10.5 months. Nine (9) months of Bible school is a long time, but then another five (5) weeks of being in the country is another long bit. The crazy thing about it though, is that I have always wanted to live in another country for a decent amount of time (10.5 months is a good start) and I have co-led outreaches twice now. Okay, so outreach is only eight (8) weeks, but it is still awhile being out of the country. And I know from experience that the time just flies by. Before I know it, I will be in Uganda, then I will blink and I will be leaving Arua and heading to Jinja for Bible school. Then it will be Christmas and then I will, hopefully, see some fellow YWAM Madison people. I think, a lot of my nerves come for two reasons. 1) I have yet to raise a single dollar for this trip. I have asked people, but no one has responded. I am trying to figure out how much I can save before I go if I put aside some of my monthly amount to pay off SBS while I am in country. Rent at the GMC is a lot lower than I remember it being, which I am not going to complain about, which makes rent & food cost $100 lower than I was budgeting, yet I also need to start buying two purple inhalers (Advair. It's a twice a day.) each time I go in to the pharmacy... basically, it comes down to- I hate money. Yeah, the fact that no one is donating to the trip is a little stressful.
I spent a couple of days in prayer asking God if there was anything I had to get right with Him before I saw the money come in. I forgot that I had told a couple of people that I would send them in money, so I wrote a check for the rest of the money in my bank account (literally). But, still, I do not understand what the hold- up is.
2) Jackson. I, honestly, do not want to leave him for almost 11 months. I will miss both of our birthdays. His by only weeks, which is kinda heartbreaking since he will turn 21 and mine by a couple of months. I will miss Christmas, New Years, and our one year anniversary for being together.
It is just kinda hard to think about going and not hearing anything back from fundraising letters is really discouraging too. The crazy thing is that Jack is totally for me going to Uganda. Not that he is over-the-moon excited about me being gone for so long, but we both know it is what God is saying for right now. It just makes me nervous because the last time I left somewhere and thought I could do a long distance relationship, we ended up breaking up and I stayed. (That was three years ago!)
Please pray for my nerves. I'm going to end up with a crazy amount of white hair and maybe admission into the crazy house. ;)

With going to Uganda for 10.5 months. MONTHS. I have found, and am still finding, that I need things that I have not needed before. Or things that I need to replace because, well let's be honest, they are not going to make it through 10.5 months of "outreach". If you are wondering how to practically help (other than donating money), you can visit my Amazon WishList and purchase whatever you so choose. Anything on the list will really help. Especially the backpack. My current one is slightly falling apart.

What else is happening in May?

Lots of monthly fundraising. Which is actually going really well.

I'm painting again! It is my first time painting with oil paints and I am pretty certain that I would rather paint with acrylics any day, but the paints are some that Jack bought me for my birthday- not knowing that I do not really paint with oils. But I am painting something for his birthday and I am pretty excited about it. Although, I am pretty sure I messed it up.

I sent out prayer post cards- if you didn't get one and would like one email, text, whatever me your address.

Jack and I have found a couple to mentor us. It is kinda weird because before I never really cared to "do it right". Like the desire was kind of there, but not enough that we actually executed it. Basically, I have a really great, amazing, godly man and I'm super glad. :) We have yet to meet with them, but just be praying that it goes really really well. :)

God is good. Always.

This was never published!

     We are now halfway through this year's outreach. The past three weeks have flown by! And, honestly, I cannot believe all we have done.
     Last week, we left Soroti town to go to the bush. The bush of Africa. It was like a dream come true and really, it was so much fun. We bucket showered under the African sky- the stars were way too gorgeous- we used the field as a toilet for peeing and we pooped in a pit. It was literally a pit. I had malaria for the whole time we were there and then a couple of days before that as well, but I could not let it get me down for long! Not when the whole world was out there calling my name. The village was beautiful and sunsets were beyond gorgeous. We went and did door to door evangelism and saw many come to Christ and others understand that God is not religion but relationship! We were stared at ALL the time and honestly it was a point of frustration. I did not like feeling like I was an attraction at the zoo or something. It was so much fun. And now we are back in Soroti town and will be having a party for all the full-time workers at the baby home. Pray that the time goes well and that they really do feel refreshed and loved. :)

   We had arrived in Abeko. My first thought as I looked at the little grass hutted church was "home". Not in a negative way at all, but in a "I'm exhausted. I have malaria. And I want to sleep and not eat lunch or drink any mango juice" kind of way. There were already people crowding around the place and I really did just want to cry from the pain and exhaustion, but I knew I couldn't.
   We had a quick lunch and I quietly crawled into the truck's backseat and fell asleep (wearing my hoodie in the African heat!). I woke up to children singing. The team had started the first day's program and had not wanted to wake me up. One of my co-leaders came outside of the church looking rather stressed. Uh oh.
   "What's wrong?"
   "It's a disaster," she cried. My first thought was to find someone who knew the culture. It surely could not be a disaster if we were doing what God had said to do. We found the youth pastor- God, help me remember his name! "Simon, what do you think of the program?" (There were three Simons- which I did not know at this point- but this happened to be one) "Oh, it is very good. I think they like it." I smiled at my friend. It was fine, we just did not understand the culture. 

Summer of 2015

Okay, I know what you are thinking, "It's not summer yet". Of this, I am fully aware. Especially since we were talking about how there is snow in the forecast- do not worry, that has changed. Now it is only supposed to rain. But I guess that is what spring is for. Don't worry, I will dance in the rain this year too. Maybe slow dance with that one guy I am crushing on. ;)

So, I am heading to Uganda in August- but what am I doing before that?

Well, here is a couple of things: I will be working with one of our summer programs called Mission Adventures. In this program we will work with youth groups from all over the country, we will do local outreach, teachings, and team building games. Our desire is to whet their feet in what missions is like and who God really is. We desire to see them change and grow. To have fun and fall in love with Jesus.
I am not 100% positive what this looks like, but I do know that I am working with this program. Training/planning starts the end of May and we will finish up the program the beginning of August.
I will be busy, and I am so excited for this opportunity.




I will also be fundraising to spend 10 and 1/2 months overseas. (The plan is.) I will head to Uganda, Africa in the middle of August. I will go to Arua, Uganda for about 5 weeks, I think it is, then I will head to Jinja, Uganda and attend the School of Biblical Studies. A 9 month Bible course offered through YWAM Hopeland. The course is from September to June with a month break in between the first term and the second. SBS (School of the Bible) is broken up into three terms/semesters, I am hoping to attend all three. The total I would need for the 10.5 months is around $5,500. This amount covers medicine, school, flights, visas, and in-country transportation. I am hoping that I added enough for emergencies. I am usually pretty good with budgeting, so unless I missed something then I should be fine on the amount I have budgeted.

I will also be cooking for the Bible School for the Nations a couple of times a week for lunch. I have put a limit of the number of times I will cook, which has been really good. I have enjoyed cooking for them and trying to remember how to cook for a large number. Although, it does make cooking supper slightly awkward, as I think I am cooking for 50 instead of 3.

That is what my summer looks like so far, but it is only the end of April, so I do not know how everything is going to play out- or if things will change.

thanks for reading and praying.


YWAM Madison

Slightly awkward, but hey! I am in Uganda!

“Are you offended to talk with prostitutes,” the local pastor we were doing door- to- door evangelism with asked us.

            It took me a moment to realize he was asking a serious question. The three of us responded simultaneously, a chorus of ‘no’ and ‘of course not’s.
            “Here is a bar.”
I shook myself out of my head, smiled at Sam and the two others with me, “Okay.”
            We walked in. At the other houses, the team leader had been solely sharing. As we left the politician’s house, she encouraged the two of us with her to think about sharing at the next home. Now, here we were at the bar.
            Laura and I look at each other, expectation in both of our eyes. She looks at Pastor Sam and begins to tell the story of the Israelites in exile. She continues on and tells about Jesus and His sacrifice and wraps back around to how He cares so much about His people no matter where they are at and how Jesus desires to be a friend and help to all.
            As she was speaking, I notice one man looking like he was about to jump out of his seat. As Laura continued to talk, the man next to the first one began to fidget. It was not an agitated fidgeting, but rather he wanted to know about this Jesus right then and there.
            While Laura spoke, I felt the words on my heart begin to stir. I had to share! I remember thinking one thing and then as the words came out of my mouth, they were not what I had thought. Later, I was to find out that some of the team was outside praying my words would not be my own- and how truly they were not.
            After I finished, we asked if anyone wanted to be friends with God. Friends that knew they could not stay in the bar day after day, but friends who would change and serve the one true Lord. Four of the six in the room said they wanted to! Pastor Sam started to speak to them in Lugandan (the local language) and made sure this was something they truly wanted to do, they prayed, confessed the sins they could remember and then we all rejoiced.
            As we walked home, I could not help but look at my feet. I had heard rumor that the dirt here stained one’s feet red and I could already see it is true. Then I felt the Spirit of God whisper to my soul, “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news.”

P.S. the man in blue is pastor Sam. He so enjoyed working with us that he asked if we could go out with him again- what an honor!


My feet are still dirty.