You know that moment when you receive revelation and you cannot deny it?
I just had one of those.
I cried. A lot. And I will cry some more as I apologize to people...
Today, I was in Eph. 4, 5, 6. (Again.) Which led me into this whole thing of... actually, I am not sure. I just know that moment was there. I cannot deny that moment was there, yet I am not sure if I can fully explain that moment without the amount of detail it would need. Only not all of it is mine to share, so there lies a problem. Only it is not too much of a problem because I would never reveal something I know someone else would be uncomfortable with me sharing. But here I go:
Today was difficult. Before school even really began, one of the girls had a mini breakdown. I personally think she just did not want to do school. Then before the end, another child did and I could not figure out the algebra lesson for today. (Cause the curriculum teaches it completely different than I would and I did not understand what they were getting at. Wordy. Wordy in math. So not okay.) And... yeah, today was just difficult.
Then I decided to talk to Jesus. And my day got harder. Then better. But mostly harder.
Like I said, I was in Ephesians. I love Ephesians. I can always get something out of Ephesians. ALWAYS.
"Walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love..."
"...As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there bu waves and carried about bu every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming, but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ..."
"Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be out away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just also as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma."
"Therefore, be careful how you walk, not as unwise men, but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father; and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ."
I know, I know. What am I getting at? Bear with me.
Today, I felt like God was asking me if I still believe it (Sorry, but I do not believe I am free to disclose what it is). And it was hard to answer. Because if I said 'yes' than I would play the part of a fool and if I said 'no' than I would play the part of an even bigger fool. Cause really, I see the question as: do you still believe I speak the truth to you?
So what is keeping me from saying "No."?
My pride. My big, ole, fat pride that says I need no one to survive. I can do it alone. I don't need you, I do not even need me. My pride that says I can go solo and be fine. Only... only I do not want to survive anymore. I want to thrive.
[The big moment:]
"Storms give us a chance to build again, if we built wrongly the first time." Because a bad foundation means relating to people and/or to God incorrectly- that being said, I think one has to communicate with another in order to rebuild. And I do not communicate. My pride (that I indulge a lot) does not let me. I just shut down, get moody and spacey, or scared. How could I expect someone to rebuild with me when I did not communicate or give space to speak into my life and say 'hey. i love you, but this needs to change/ stop/ etc.'
And now I see what I have been communicating by not communicating.
Now, now I see.
I just had one of those.
I cried. A lot. And I will cry some more as I apologize to people...
Today, I was in Eph. 4, 5, 6. (Again.) Which led me into this whole thing of... actually, I am not sure. I just know that moment was there. I cannot deny that moment was there, yet I am not sure if I can fully explain that moment without the amount of detail it would need. Only not all of it is mine to share, so there lies a problem. Only it is not too much of a problem because I would never reveal something I know someone else would be uncomfortable with me sharing. But here I go:
Today was difficult. Before school even really began, one of the girls had a mini breakdown. I personally think she just did not want to do school. Then before the end, another child did and I could not figure out the algebra lesson for today. (Cause the curriculum teaches it completely different than I would and I did not understand what they were getting at. Wordy. Wordy in math. So not okay.) And... yeah, today was just difficult.
Then I decided to talk to Jesus. And my day got harder. Then better. But mostly harder.
Like I said, I was in Ephesians. I love Ephesians. I can always get something out of Ephesians. ALWAYS.
"Walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love..."
"...As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there bu waves and carried about bu every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming, but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ..."
"Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be out away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just also as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma."
"Therefore, be careful how you walk, not as unwise men, but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father; and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ."
I know, I know. What am I getting at? Bear with me.
Today, I felt like God was asking me if I still believe it (Sorry, but I do not believe I am free to disclose what it is). And it was hard to answer. Because if I said 'yes' than I would play the part of a fool and if I said 'no' than I would play the part of an even bigger fool. Cause really, I see the question as: do you still believe I speak the truth to you?
So what is keeping me from saying "No."?
My pride. My big, ole, fat pride that says I need no one to survive. I can do it alone. I don't need you, I do not even need me. My pride that says I can go solo and be fine. Only... only I do not want to survive anymore. I want to thrive.
[The big moment:]
"Storms give us a chance to build again, if we built wrongly the first time." Because a bad foundation means relating to people and/or to God incorrectly- that being said, I think one has to communicate with another in order to rebuild. And I do not communicate. My pride (that I indulge a lot) does not let me. I just shut down, get moody and spacey, or scared. How could I expect someone to rebuild with me when I did not communicate or give space to speak into my life and say 'hey. i love you, but this needs to change/ stop/ etc.'
And now I see what I have been communicating by not communicating.
Now, now I see.
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