Competence

   We have all been there. The place that demands we stare it in the face. The place that says you cannot, in any way be good enough, qualified enough, or capable of doing this. For me, I find this place a lot. I find it in everything I do- teaching, leaning, understanding my worth, making friends. Literally, everywhere.
   I constantly find myself wondering, will I ever be competent? Will I ever feel like I am capable? Like I am approved of?
   And while I appreciate, and even need, people telling me that it is not me but Christ, I need more than that.
    There are times, I feel like Moses. When Moses was in the desert and turned aside to the unconsumed, burning bush and God called Moses to lead the Israelites to freedom. And Moses response- I can't; I'm not ---- enough. I cannot speak well enough. I am not a leader. They do not know me. I do not know you... And his list went on. His list looked at all the things he could not do because he did not feel like he could. He looked at all the places that screamed failure at him- after all, he had already tried to free the Israelites once before. Moses kept looking at himself and seeing where someone else would measure up and do better. He looked and tried to make God see his point. And Paul. I am sure there are times he felt the same way. God, I cannot. I am a murderer. I am a torturer, a persecutor of the innocent- you cannot be calling me. It probably was dealt with in all that time he studied under Holy Spirit- the 14 years in between his conversion and the beginning of his missionary journeys.
    I cannot.
    But why? Why can't I? It certainly is not because Holy Spirit does not live and dwell in me. It certainly is not because I cannot open my mouth and speak, or teach, or whatever. It certainly is not because I am stupid or unintelligent. Or because I do not have good time management. If it is not that, then what is it?
    Fear is crippling. It is one of those things that I wish could be removed with a surgery or procedure. One of those things I wish could just be renounced and then done with for forever.
    See, my fear does not just stop with me. My fear says that other people see me the way I see myself- incompetent, a failure, rude, mean, too simple, not fun. Etc. The list can literally go on and on, but I am already in a bad mood, so I am not going to make it any worse by letting you know how I see myself on a really bad day. Thing is- I do not always see myself this way.
    But with going back home, I feel this fear a whole lot more. Change happens to people. I have heard that people cannot change, but I disagree. A lot. People can change, not only that, but I have changed. Changed so much that I look at the person I was last year, last month and I wonder who that person is, why they did some of the things she did. I think that plays a part too- not knowing who I am deep down.
     My understanding of self- worth has changed. My understanding of what "soft" means has changed. My thoughts on all women have to be x,y, z no longer exist and no longer make me feel like a failure as a woman.
     Yet still sometimes the nagging thought comes: they don't think you can. You know you cannot do that. You cannot do that because they will think---.
      And while I still have a ways to go in understanding how I can do the things God has called me to- after all, it is not me but Him in me, I find I am rather content knowing that I do not have to prove myself to my Father. That the things He has called me to do are things that He has made me to do. That He does not set me up for failure, but rather the greatest successes. And while that may not make me competent and able to do everything, it makes me sane.