Unfeeling

And, of course, there are Web sites where you can sort through dozens of Houston massage parlors and spas, looking for the one that’s most convenient, perhaps, and selecting a girl that perfectly fits your specifications—height, weight, breast size, hip size, body type, along with the type of sex acts she will perform—and then, after the fact, rating her, just like a product on Amazon.com.
--Mimi Swartz
[Read the whole story here: http://www.texasmonthly.com/2010-04-01/feature3.php]

I read stories like Kiki's and I think to myself how can so many people be ignorant? But now I realize it is not a matter of ignorance. It's a matter of being unfeeling. How do you not feel for these women though?! How can you say there is no such thing? How can you believe that? I personally think that ignorance is not bliss, no matter what it is. In this case especially.

I have been studying on this issue more intently this week... mainly on the days that I am skipping school. Ha, no for real- I skipped both days this week. Actually, I am in the process of skipping this second day.

My heart burns for this issue. I feel a passion that I refuse to let go. I have a desire to see this change and I plan on seeing this change! This burns me with a fire that I do not want quenched. I keep asking the Lord to give me more and more of a desire. I deeper capacity to hold His heart. As we grow closer and closer together I can not help but sing Jake Hamiliton's song Sacred Obsession. "I have a sacred obsession..I'm in love."

I pray the Lord continuously breaks my heart for the things that break His, but mostly for the girls and boys and women in the sex slave trade. I can not help but think that one day my dream of having a safe house will come true. My dream of these women who had everything ripped from them- their pride, their dignity, their body- be restored. Yes, it will be a long road. And yes, it will be difficult. But seeing one of those be fully restored by the grace of God. Seeing one of them forgive the men who stripped everything from her, who raped her life, her soul, her very being. To see one of those girls, though tears in her eyes, stand and offer forgiveness and gain acceptance. That she was not the one in the wrong, that she was not the one who committed the evil, no matter what people say. To see one. It would all be worth it.

Worth all the tears. All the obsessive research. All the nights that I could not sleep. All the days I thought would never get better. All the days that brought me to this moment. All the pain and heartache. The mornings of quiet time when I can think of nothing else- when I long to pray for my coworkers and bosses and best friends; my boyfriend and his family, and my family. When all I can do is cry and say nothing. Or speak in tongues because I do not even know how to pray. It would be worth it all.

I work two jobs, but I am focused on one thing: God. I have the most amazing boyfriend, but my heart yearns for one man: Jesus. I go to college, but I do not need a degree to tell me what the most important of these is: love.

Ephesians 6: 13
Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist the evil day, and having done everthing, TO STAND FIRM......16 In addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

I recently received an email from YWAM telling me that the DTS lecture phase is $100 more than I originally thought. Back to the drawing boards friends. Be praying. I am still saving up for the OTHER girl.

Life comes at you

So I just dropped TWO classes out of my five. I'm trying to control the emotions of frustration and anger...at myself, at my professors, and at life. Why is it that now, 5 months before I am supposed to leave that all of this is coming crashing down on me? I do not want to pay rent, but I'm okay with it. I don't want to go to Summer I AND Summer II, but I need to in order to get my associate's. I want to go to YWAM, and I can not help but think, what if I can't? My heart is breaking just thinking about it. This is it. I have been so excited about this opportunity for months and months and now...to come so close. I keep saying I am going, but...am I? I need a little over five hundred dollars to go to lecture. But I also need money for a plane ticket and a bus ticket. Money for the things I am going to need up there. I keep telling myself that the Lord's got it...but my head and heart are refusing to mesh again.
I guess it is time to go back to the drawing board and let the Lord be the artist 'cause I am horrible at it.
I am so tired.
I'm ready for Bryn and Julia to be back.

Still Waiting

There are days I just want to go out to the country-side and chill. Let it all go. And you know what; come the end of the semester I am going to. Maybe I will go to the Youth With A Mission's base in Tyler, Texas! I wonder if they would just let me poke around for a day. Maybe half a day. Of course, since my car, Gramps, died I have been driving the mini-van and that thing eats gas. Who knows, maybe I'll just save up for it. :)
Since I felt the Lord tell me to stop saving (it felt more like a rebuke, honestly) and start saving for another I have been praying He give me a cheerful heart. I feel like this would all go a lot faster if I could save up for myself and then for the other person. But I chose long ago to live in obedience because life otherwise is just a waste of time. So here I am. Needing the same amount of money. Needing my heart to change about saving for another. Needing to learn so much.
Lord, prepare my heart like I cannot. Change my heart that I would give gratefully when I could be just saving up for me. Help me Father.

I think that will always be my plea. "Help me Father". I always need Him.