Feelings are one of my biggest struggles. I am not even one hundred percent positive why or how or any of that jazz, but I do know...my feelings and I do not always get along.
Somewhere in life, I got scared to feel. Excited, content, sad, love. I got scared and that feeling made me even more scared. (haha) As the years rolled on, not much changed. Until one day, a beautiful Man showed me the truth.
I used to make fun of people that felt. I would laugh at the way they would get excited and I would smile cynically as they felt pain and wore it for everyone to see.
If I am made in the image of God (which I believe I am), then feelings are a good thing. They are healthy and they are, somehow, normal. But what is a girl to do when her feelings are overwhelming? And how do I even begin to process that people can see when I am excited or when I am not okay?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I currently have three roommates. We are all in various stages of our journeys with our Father. One of them, H, does excited very well. Everyone knows when she is excited. I am not sure if she knows it, but she will even tell everyone when she is excited. (We all know already.) I've only seen her down / her spirit heavy once in the last (almost) three months. D is our quieter one. She absorbs the world with big brown eyes and a cautious heart. Then there is T. I smile just thinking about how I describe her. She is rather great. Fiercely opinionated and sometimes needing help to convey her thoughts to people that are SO unlike her. Finally, there is me. The grandma of the bunch- yes, I still go to bed at 9.30. I often fall asleep to some deep talk happening steps away from my bedroom door (it is a small apartment). Talks of theology, embryology, weddings and some day husbands. Talks of the goodness of God or how fun it would be to go down Main St. in a mop bucket (and then a hospital visit to follow).
I fall asleep to these talks, so desperately wanting to be a part of them, yet also knowing I have to take care of myself. I definitely do not envy their lack of sleep, but I do envy the realness they get to share. Last night, I found myself asking- is this even worth it? To go to bed hours before they do. Listening to them discuss who knows what. Loving each other and hearing each others' hearts. I concluded with a resounding YES. Cause otherwise, the only feeling anyone would see from me is.. well, all the bad ones. (haha) And now, after having been awake for the last almost three hours and having yet to see any of my roommates (although someone's alarm is going off), I am wondering again.
I wanna be known too. I want discussions involving God, men, theories, aliens (I kinda just through that one in there). And chocolate dipped fruit (yeah, they ate some without me).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only a fool will cast his pearls before swine. Because pearls are precious. They have enormous value. Pearls do not have to be dug up from the earth like diamonds or refined / cut to be given a certain value. Pearls are made from an irritation to the oyster. The oyster knows the sand is not supposed to be there, but what can he do to get rid of it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The beauty of being human is simply that- I am a human. I mess up. I laugh at inappropriate moments. My face will show too many expressions and, often, people are frightened by my "take it all in" look. I have RBF, I know it. I am learning to dream. And in this process, I do not always know what I want or how to treat a certain idea. Sometimes, when I think about certain things, I panic so much that I am brought to tears. Sometimes, I speak really harshly. Other times, I am extremely passionate about something and it freaks people out. And it is all alright because I- the flaws and passions and quirks- am good. I am a pearl before my Father. Covered in all my sin, I come before His throne and He throws a priceless robe on me and calls me daughter, He calls me by name.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only a fool will cast his pearls before swine. Because pearls are precious. They have enormous value. Pearls do not have to be dug up from the earth like diamonds or refined / cut to be given a certain value. Pearls are made from an irritation to the oyster. The oyster knows the sand is not supposed to be there, but what can he do to get rid of it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The beauty of being human is simply that- I am a human. I mess up. I laugh at inappropriate moments. My face will show too many expressions and, often, people are frightened by my "take it all in" look. I have RBF, I know it. I am learning to dream. And in this process, I do not always know what I want or how to treat a certain idea. Sometimes, when I think about certain things, I panic so much that I am brought to tears. Sometimes, I speak really harshly. Other times, I am extremely passionate about something and it freaks people out. And it is all alright because I- the flaws and passions and quirks- am good. I am a pearl before my Father. Covered in all my sin, I come before His throne and He throws a priceless robe on me and calls me daughter, He calls me by name.
No comments:
Post a Comment