Hallelujah Anyway

    This morning I began listening to a podcast from Grace Chapel Church in Tennessee. The family I am with right now in Uganda used to attend the church. A few weeks ago, I was encouraged to listen to one of their podcast. The last part in a 16 part series. Well, being me, I could not start at the end, so yesterday I downloaded all 16 parts of the series. It took forever, but it is already so well worth it.

     So at 10 am, I grabbed my headphones, phone, Bible and journal and pressed "play" on Hallelujah Anyway. I was not really sure what to expect, but I was not disappointed in my lack of expectations. The series looks at the book of Philippians. Honestly, I rather enjoy the book, so it helped my decision in downloading all episodes of the series. The first podcast looks at Philippians 1:1. Yes, only one verse.
     "   Paul and Timothy, bond-servants of Christ Jesus, to all the saints in Christ Jesus who are in Philippi, including the overseers and the deacons:    "
      Paul is currently in a Roman prison awaiting his sentence. The verdict that eventually has him beheaded. On average, the book of Philippians states every seven verses to rejoice or be thankful. Paul, in prison, writing to the church (men and women who are not imprisoned) to rejoice. Say what?!
       Anyway, this episode focused on "bond- servant of Jesus Christ". A bond-servant in the Hebrew culture is someone who adores his master & through that love voluntarily commits to his master and his house to stay. (This is after they have already worked the first six years. See Deuteronomy 15: 12-17) After the servant voluntarily chooses to stay, an awl (metal spike) is taken to his ear. The awl then marks him for all of the community to see.
        God looks for people to become bond-servants. Not merely, "Yay Jesus is alive" believers, but people who say everything I am is Yours.
        This thing of "everything I am is Yours" was really convicting for me. See, since being in Uganda, I have had a really bad heart attitude. My heart has been saying 'this is not worth it to me'. I have had to constantly remind myself that the loneliness and lack of community I feel, the food that I am not a fan of, and the stress of not having all of my finances for my school is, well... okay. But it is not okay for my attitude to be ugly. I have had to say every morning, "Jesus is worthy. He is worth 10.5 months in a country I do not like being in. He is worth me leaving my friends that are more like family. He is worth me fundraising for another school. He is worth all of me." But the last week, I have not been saying this. I have gone back to complaining. 'Jesus, I'm lonely. Jesus, I do not want to teach math another day. Jesus, I do not like eggs. Jesus...Jesus...Jesus.' Whine, whine. Complain, complain. Basically saying 'Jesus, I do not want my ear against the door anymore. Take back the piercing because I am no longer comfortable.'
          So based off of Hallelujah Anyway Part II, I have seven things I am wanting to start practicing on the daily. I am excited to see my attitude change.
          1) I want to be a blesser. Paul always says grace & peace to you. He blesses people. I want to too.
          2) I want to be thankful. In all things and for all things. There is always something.
          3) I want to be prayerful. Pray without ceasing. That is how I want to be.
          4) I want to be joyful. I want to be exceedingly joyful. Different joyful.
          5) I want to be affirming. God is doing something fantastic in our lives, but sometimes we just need to hear it.
         6) I want to be a "right- thinker". When you love right, you think right.
         7) I want to be (*gulp*) affectionate. Able to say 'I miss you' or 'I love you' or whatever.



     I know this post is choppy, but I had to get it out. Put it out there for people to see and hear what I am saying. Be able to say: Please pray. I am having a hard time, but I do not want to give up. I want my ear against the door and I want to be marked for the whole world to see that I voluntarily choose to follow Jesus Christ to the ends of the earth with a joyful, thankful heart.

Rebuilding?

You know that moment when you receive revelation and you cannot deny it?

I just had one of those.

I cried. A lot. And I will cry some more as I apologize to people...

Today, I was in Eph. 4, 5, 6. (Again.) Which led me into this whole thing of... actually, I am not sure. I just know that moment was there. I cannot deny that moment was there, yet I am not sure if I can fully explain that moment without the amount of detail it would need. Only not all of it is mine to share, so there lies a problem. Only it is not too much of a problem because I would never reveal something I know someone else would be uncomfortable with me sharing. But here I go:

Today was difficult. Before school even really began, one of the girls had a mini breakdown. I personally think she just did not want to do school. Then before the end, another child did and I could not figure out the algebra lesson for today. (Cause the curriculum teaches it completely different than I would and I did not understand what they were getting at. Wordy. Wordy in math. So not okay.) And... yeah, today was just difficult.

Then I decided to talk to Jesus. And my day got harder. Then better. But mostly harder.

Like I said, I was in Ephesians. I love Ephesians. I can always get something out of Ephesians. ALWAYS.

"Walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love..."


"...As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there bu waves and carried about bu every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming, but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ..."


"Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be out away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Therefore, be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just also as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma."


"Therefore, be careful how you walk, not as unwise men, but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. So then do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father; and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ."

I know, I know. What am I getting at?  Bear with me.

Today, I felt like God was asking me if I still believe it (Sorry, but I do not believe I am free to disclose what it is). And it was hard to answer. Because if I said 'yes' than I would play the part of a fool and if I said 'no' than I would play the part of an even bigger fool. Cause really, I see the question as: do you still believe I speak the truth to you?
So what is keeping me from saying "No."?

My pride. My big, ole, fat pride that says I need no one to survive. I can do it alone. I don't need you, I do not even need me. My pride that says I can go solo and be fine. Only... only I do not want to survive anymore. I want to thrive.

[The big moment:]
"Storms give us a chance to build again, if we built wrongly the first time."  Because a bad foundation means relating to people and/or to God incorrectly- that being said, I think one has to communicate with another in order to rebuild. And I do not communicate. My pride (that I indulge a lot) does not let me. I just shut down, get moody and spacey, or scared. How could I expect someone to rebuild with me when I did not communicate or give space to speak into my life and say 'hey. i love you, but this needs to change/ stop/ etc.'

And now I see what I have been communicating by not communicating.
Now, now I see.