You know what scares me more than most things?
Yeah, that's right.
Vulnerability.
So here here is my blog post dedicated to it.
I am terrified.
Not even scared, but terrified. See, I have never really wanted to go to Africa. Never really cared to go back, and yet, I am going. I have been and I am going back. It is not like I hate Africa.. it is just, I am terrified that going to Uganda for 10.5 months means that I will be there until I die. And I do not want to end my life in Africa. Sure, I will stay if that is what I feel the Lord is telling me to do. He is the Lord, King of my life, and I His beloved servant, His faithful friend. But I do not want to end up in a place I am not passionate about- especially when I am passionate about a different area of the world.
And I'm terrified people are going to forget about me.
After leaving so many people and them leaving me over my 23 years of existance, well, I am entirely certain (even if it is not true) that people will just be busy here and I will be busy there and they will forget me come Christmas when I am on a completely different continent or come my birthday or when the fall DTS starts or when the summer gets really busy. One of my dear friends, Brook, I will not see for over a year. And even though neither one of us are good with keeping up with each other, especially when we are apart, I know we will be able to get together when I come stateside and catch up without a problem. But what if he isn't here when I come back? And Jack broke up with me... what if we cannot make things work and when I get back I am friend zoned- a place I really really do not want to be. And I know, I am playing the what- if game, but I am just being honest and saying it how it is. I am scared they are going to forget about me since I will be half-way around the world.
I do not want to make new "friends".
'Cause making new friends takes a lot of work. And I am exhausted. And I like the friends I currently have and I don't care to make new ones right now. Especially after a really stressful, emotionally draining summer. (One of my teachings was on identity and it was pretty draining.) Not only does making friends take a lot of work, but that means that I also have to work on being vulnerable with new people.
Do not get me wrong. I am excited to go. Despite everything, I know Uganda is going to be great. I know I am going to learn a lot. I know I am doing what God has said. Maybe, I am just being emotional. Maybe I should go find other people to hang out with and stop thinking so much and stop packing and stop doodling and stop freaking out. Yeah, maybe.
Okay, too much vulnerability. I am done for at least a week. ha
Yeah, that's right.
Vulnerability.
So here here is my blog post dedicated to it.
I am terrified.
Not even scared, but terrified. See, I have never really wanted to go to Africa. Never really cared to go back, and yet, I am going. I have been and I am going back. It is not like I hate Africa.. it is just, I am terrified that going to Uganda for 10.5 months means that I will be there until I die. And I do not want to end my life in Africa. Sure, I will stay if that is what I feel the Lord is telling me to do. He is the Lord, King of my life, and I His beloved servant, His faithful friend. But I do not want to end up in a place I am not passionate about- especially when I am passionate about a different area of the world.
And I'm terrified people are going to forget about me.
After leaving so many people and them leaving me over my 23 years of existance, well, I am entirely certain (even if it is not true) that people will just be busy here and I will be busy there and they will forget me come Christmas when I am on a completely different continent or come my birthday or when the fall DTS starts or when the summer gets really busy. One of my dear friends, Brook, I will not see for over a year. And even though neither one of us are good with keeping up with each other, especially when we are apart, I know we will be able to get together when I come stateside and catch up without a problem. But what if he isn't here when I come back? And Jack broke up with me... what if we cannot make things work and when I get back I am friend zoned- a place I really really do not want to be. And I know, I am playing the what- if game, but I am just being honest and saying it how it is. I am scared they are going to forget about me since I will be half-way around the world.
I do not want to make new "friends".
'Cause making new friends takes a lot of work. And I am exhausted. And I like the friends I currently have and I don't care to make new ones right now. Especially after a really stressful, emotionally draining summer. (One of my teachings was on identity and it was pretty draining.) Not only does making friends take a lot of work, but that means that I also have to work on being vulnerable with new people.
Do not get me wrong. I am excited to go. Despite everything, I know Uganda is going to be great. I know I am going to learn a lot. I know I am doing what God has said. Maybe, I am just being emotional. Maybe I should go find other people to hang out with and stop thinking so much and stop packing and stop doodling and stop freaking out. Yeah, maybe.
Okay, too much vulnerability. I am done for at least a week. ha
