Something in addition

  So I have had multiple people ask me about why I have another cardiologist appointment. I honestly do not recall posting about it, but I figured I should explain.
   My first cardiologist appointment was six(6) hours long. I began in his office and then went downstairs to the laboratory where they drew blood. I quickly began to crash, but pushed through as I had two more tests and a heart monitor to learn to understand. Walking back up to the cardio area, my friend and I realized we had some time, so I told him I was going to call my insurance since there had been a miscommunication somewhere. As I was on the phone, they called me for the stress EKG (it is the one with the treadmill that you see in the movies). I went for however long I went for and then stopped from not being able to catch a full breath. I was annoyed and frustrated. Even though I had not been fine this summer running and training, I knew I could keep going, but I simply did not want to hurt myself at the doctor's office. Then we went to lunch and it was really good. I had a hamburger; it was amazing, especially after not having one since August. That is a bunny trail.
   So then I went in for the ECHO. I showed up late even though the restaurant was across the street.  But it is okay, the technician was running behind- by an hour! But it was good, my friend and I hung out and he was a goof as he tried to clam my nerves. Or excite them more as he began to tell me that the reason they were running late was because someone had died. The butthead. But for a stressful day, he helped me relax a whole lot more than if I had been there by myself. Finally, the technician came out and called my name. I walked back, trying not to panic. He led me to the room, gave me a gown and told me to undress and left the room. At this point, I had had the heart monitor for a couple of hours and I knew that when I took it off I would not know how to put it back on. Anyway, we were in the room for the next hour doing the ECHO and then I left with all the ultrasound goo on my chest. I felt disgusting and ready to sleep for the next week- after I showered of course.
   I went out to the receptionist and she told me I would be hearing back from them by the end of next week. Then we left.
   The next day, I received a phone call from the cardiologist's office. Everything had come back normal except my stress EKG. We are not sure what it means yet as the appointment to further look at it is next week.
    The day before, I was diagnosed with Wolff- Parkinson- White Syndrome (you can look it up). I kinda zoned as he began to explain what it was, so I still do not actually understand. Then the phone call saying, you have Wolff-Parkinson-White BUT YOU MAY ALSO HAVE SOMETHING ELSE. So it is not that they are thinking they diagnosed me incorrectly, but they are thinking that I may have something in addition to WPW.
    Time to be vulnerable: I am scared. I hate doctors. And I really do not want to go back to the cardiologist. And going back means more bills. And that scares me.
    But God is good and this journey is still worth it to me. Jesus is worth it.

Heart Scare

   Five days ago, I found myself on the way to the Emergency Room. We hit a deer. It scared me more than the fact that I could not breathe.
    Three days ago I found myself in the same situation. No deer this time though.
  I think the most frightening part about it all is that I do not know when it is going to happen. You know how a care animal can tell before the person has a seizure or a attack or whatever.. I think I am going to use that as another reason we should get a dog here at the Training Center. haha
     Next week, I have an appointment with a cardiologist here in Madison. Maybe that visit will yield more results. And I am going to do my best to stay out of the ER from here until then.
  After that, the school has been going well. The students, as a whole, are settling in and enjoying new friendships. We have now had two and a half weeks of teaching and our annual trip to Survivor land (which was the first trip to the hospital). I am co-leading a small group with one of the girls who led my small group two years ago. I am enjoying the leadership I am under and learning from him. I have found that when we allow God to teach us there is a teachable moment everywhere. Not to say that I stopped allowing Him to teach me at any one point, but still being open to whatever it is He wants to show me in a given situation.
  I forgot that I let the chickens out, so before I go may I ask you to be praying?
     For the students- that they get everything possible out of DTS. That they would be willing to go to the hard places; the places they thought God left them or did not care, etc.
     For the staff- just because we are staff does not mean we have "arrived". God is still working on us. Pray we allow God to work in the ways He wants during this time.
     For finances- I currently have back debt with YWAM and now I have medical bills. I am trying to not stress out about it, but it is hard.
      Pray I have peace.

Well, that escalated quickly

    The fall DTS of 2014 is underway! We have a really good group of students- 32 of 'em. They are super sweet and ready to dive into God and what He has for them.
   During a couple of worship times, we have had response times and they have immediately flooded the area or whatever to respond to God. It is such a beautiful sight to see people run after God in a way they may have not before.
    Today is the fourth full day- the students arrived Saturday and Sunday and we started Sunday evening. I have all 32 names down and I can put the name with the individual which is super exciting for me. I definitely did not expect that. Although, I am not going to lie, it has been slightly overwhelming the last few days just because my "home" was flooded with a TON of people. I have heard some people say they already love it here.. I smile to myself at the comment, remembering the feeling for myself.
    This place is one of the safest places I have ever been. I love this old school building in the middle of the cornfields. I love the sounds of the chickens and the dogs and the crickets in the building.  I love the sound of little Micah running around asking everyone if they will play with him. I love celebrating life with the people I live with. We have already had a birthday and we have another next week (although we are Survivor camping during that time).
   This group is so great and I am so excited to walk on this path with them and cheer them on as they either begin an intimate relationship with God or just learn more and more of who He is. I know the Lord is going to radically show up and change lives. After all, that is what He is good at.
   Be praying. Tomorrow is the day we decide one- on- ones and small groups. Wow. I am so honored that I get to walk alongside a couple of girls and be privy to what God is doing in their lives. 

Ummm... Oops?

   I promise it was only yesterday when I wrote my last update... although, I guess it was not. It was over two months ago. Which is quite strange because I am almost certain that we were just beginning summer. How time flies!
   I recently got back from a fundraising/friendraising trip to Texas. Man, I knew the weather would be different, but I never thought that I would almost die from the heat. You may laugh or roll your eyes or whatever, but it was killer. I showed up at a couple of houses with my back wet from sweat and my nose scrunched from the sun streaming in the windshield. In my defense, the car I was driving the first week did not have A/C. I don't know how the owner survives it. haha But the second week not only cooled down, but I was able to drive a car with A/C. Overall, the trip went well. I came home with some new supporters, but more importantly, refreshed by the conversations I had with so many. I was able to see people that I had not seen in way too many years and even meet some new ones.
   Today was my first day back in the kitchen. I think the best part of coming back is that I now I have someone in the kitchen with me! Yay- no more solo! But that also means that we need to figure out how much time we actually need in the kitchen. Today we finished an hour early. Oops! But at least it was not a dish that had to be kept hot, so into the fridge it went and down the stairs I went to do thank you notes...come to think of it, I have not eaten today. Well, I guess now that I am home the bad habit of not eating often is back. I should really work on that, although the two weeks I was in Texas I ate ALL THE TIME. I might be able to live off of those meals for the next week, or I could go scrounge food right now. haha oh the dilemma.
   Mmmm, food sounds good, so I am going to see what I can grab from my cupboard. Oddly flavored almonds it is.
   Let's see, since May I have:
   ...begun training for a ½ marathon. For those of you who don't know that is 13.1 miles (i'm not sure how many km that is, sorry).  My younger brother told me he "ran one of those. didn't even train for it." Turns out he forgot a one in his numbers. He ran (and didn't train) a 5k. Training for the half has taught me a lot about perseverance and discipline- which was more or less the whole point. However, I have not finished the program, nor do I feel I have learned the whole lesson, so I will continue on. Who knows, maybe I will actually be able to run the race. ;)
    ...begun to work in the accounting office. I actually have a lot of fun in that office. Somehow, admissions, accounting, and personnel were put in the same office- it is odd, but fantastic. We have fun. The director of our base has actually come in a couple of times to ask us to quiet down. It wasn't like we weren't getting our work done. We were just loud.
    ...half- learned to longboard. I saw half-learned because I only know how to carve (a hard turn) heel side  and I need to learn how to carve toe-side and how to stop(!) without freaking out the board and myself. But I have a good teacher, so maybe I will actually get it.
     ....learned how to throw a softball/baseball properly. Did you know it isn't supposed to hurt your wrist or elbow when you throw?- I knew this, just not how to not hurt at the end of the game/playing catch.
    ....learned (and am still learning) how to value myself. I feel like this is one of my constant battles. I often find myself stuck in the same place over and over again- not believing or trying to convince myself that I have value. Crazy thing is, after everything, I believe it now. I took me up until a week and a day ago, but I believe it with all my heart. And the thing is, I don't really have to remind myself to act out of it. (well, sometimes..like the whole "dr. said no running for three weeks" thing...) But I believe I have value. I believe I have worth beyond my own comprehension.
   ...been accepted to staff the Fall Rescue Ops DTS (this may change). I'm super excited about this. Especially since this year we will be doing a Search and Rescue Course on our camping trip. Can you say STOKED?
   ...looked into NOLS (National Outdoor Leadership School). I would really love to learn First Response and do it. It is expensive and not exactly an "at this moment, right now" kind of thing for me, but it is definitely on the radar.
   ....learned to cook a meal for 20 in an hour. That being said, the time to go cook is here.

Oh, and enjoy a photo of one of my favorite spots on my running route:

The New Dream

hahaha, been awhile since I said I would tell y'all what the new dream was. Well, is.

You know, the craziest thing about dreaming with God is that He gives one these insanely crazy dreams. Dreams that only He has a hand in fulfilling because if He was not in it there would be no way for the dream to come to pass. Okay, that was extremely redundant.

Here is the thing though. I work with a missions organization. We are all around the world. We disciple and train those who come in- some stay, others go off to university, others go to work in the great big world. But all are left with the fingerprint of God upon their lives. All leave with the memory of some little boy or girl they fell in love with somewhere over the ocean. They leave with their heart pleading with God to still be there for the little one. For all they came in connect with.

I am one of the ones who stayed. And from the sounds of God's heart for me, I will be here awhile. (Maybe not Madison, but in missions.) My heart has been broken. However, I do not have just one memory of one of those children. I do not have just one little boy tugging at my heart strings. His face flooding my mind at random times of the day or sporadicly in dreams. I do not have one little girl that I cry myself to sleep over. No, there are many. And, honestly, I feel that is how God wanted it. I feel as if His hand was holding mine each time I had to leave and tried to hold the tears back and fit into the "save face" cultures.

Sorry, this is a bunch of random ramblings.

Each country I have been to, I have seen terrible injustices. I have seen men and women fight for food, with eyes of hopelessness and despair. I have seen women do such intense manual labor that we could not help but wonder if they were doing this of their own freewill. I have seen children scrounge the streets for a bite to eat. I have seen them pickpocket right in front of me. I have seen the children spot police, drop everything, and run. I have seen young girls trying to care for their baby brother or sister- not able to take a break to play because they cannot leave the little ones. I have seen all of this. It broke my heart. I hope it always breaks my heart. I hope my heart never hardens to this injustice.

My newest dream is to see the children of the world restored.

It will be hard. The path will be long. My heart may grow faint and weary at times, but more than anything I want to see children be children.

I want to work prevention for sex trafficking- for all trafficking. What does this look like? I am not sure, but I am leaning on Jesus. I am letting Him tell me, Him lead me to the truths.


Sorry for all the ramblings. And the lack of an update for so long.

The Boy Who Started It All

     By now, you should know about Memuyl. If you do not, I forgive you and I will take the time to talk about one of my favorite people.
     Memuyl was the one who started it all. I was at a time in my life when all I wanted to do was understand. I did not want to be walking the path I was beginning- the path of healing. The leaders of my DTS outreach team had sent us to go find the border of Thailand and Myanmar (Burma). Two other girls and I took our time and decided to kinda just, roam and hope we didn't get lost. I think that was our biggest concern- getting lost. We had eaten lunch and gabbed about whatever and then someone decided to go up the stairs. The stairs were concrete and if you did not know they led you to the market no sane person would go up. We did not know (I think I am going to blame the jet lag for our rash decision); we went up. And it was such a delight to go up. Okay, not the going up process, but what we found when we reached the top:

PS. The older boy in dark blue is Memuyl. 


(That is me asking if he wants lunch.)


And this is when we met: ^

     Watching him and his young friend beg broke my heart. Looking back, this might have been the moment when I put a face to "child at risk" and when my heart really touched God's. He is in love with this kids. He mourns their lost childhood. He longs for them as His children to know Him as their Father God. But more than that; He longs for those of us who already believe to be His hands and feet to "the least of these". I know I touched God's heart when we took them out to lunch. 
      Something else happened that day. Something I cannot fully explain still, but I will try my best. This little boy (and, obviously, God) sprouted something in my heart. Something that said, "I WILL meet this injustice head-on." 
       What injustice?
       The injustice of children living on the streets. Begging, selling their bodies, stealing, doing anything to make it from one day to the next. The injustice of girls living in a Red Light Area (an area known for prostitution) and knowing no other kind of life than that of being a "professional". 
         But what can I, one individual, do?
        Honestly, I am not sure. But I have to do something because all I know is Memuyl started something in me that says I will not back down until I see this fight won. Until I see this current generation of street children and children growing up in the Red Light Area and any child- at- risk around the world not only rescued.
         But restored. 
    In January and February, I fulfilled a ten- year dream. On January 1, I stepped into Mumbai (Bombay), India. And on January 28, I flew from Kathmandu, Nepal to Pune, India. I had dreamed of going to India. Now that dream, as beautiful and amazing and all positive, happy words known to man, is over. Fulfilled. Well, I am here to tell you: I have a new dream.

Friend Raising

"   Most of us are programmed with cultural how-to's that say,'Don't lean on anyone. The self-made man is the one admired.' Many potential missionaries are tempted to say, 'I can't ask for money. I'd be embarrassed. I don't know how to accept. Can't I just have a part-time job on the side?'
     Such statement, which in one sense challenges us to responsibility, also spawn a death-producing independence contrary to the kingdom of God. This independence is rooted in pride, whereas interdependence is rooted in humility. God's Word reveals to us our weaknesses as mere humans while at the same time offering us personal, intimate relationship with our awesome, powerful God. Only through relationship with Him and with one another do we become strong. Only through humility are we free to acknowledge our need for God and others.
   ... Many people throughout history have failed because of their strengths rather than their weaknesses. Strengths give us a sense of false security.  "
                                                                                                - Friend Raising by Betty Barnett

      I cannot help but laugh at how true this is. There are so many times, especially within the last month, when I have thought to myself, 'I miss working. I miss having money to go out and buy running shoes or a new book.' I was always frugal with my money, but sometimes I had a craving to go spend $15 at Half Price Books or a thrift store. And now, I can't. I am scraping pennies in hopes to stay here and continue on in missions. I hope to one day go overseas, but I am terrified of fundraising. Mainly because I have the idea that asking people for money is "embarrassing". But here is the thing, "missionaries for the Lord are not sparring verbally with others to get their money. Interdependence is not Christian welfare. It is the joining of forces to defend the faith and to fight the good fight." (Barnett)
    ...Christian welfare. Growing up, we moved around a lot. Every month or so, we were at a new place. All six of us in one room or- if we were somehow really lucky- three. We got really good at living out of banana boxes and backpacks, eating food that had expired months earlier and, even better, at acting like we did not care. Like we did not care that we lived all over the metroplex or that we could not really invite someone over to spend the night. But for me, I got really good of acting like I did not care that people were calling us "charity cases" or "urchins" (which technically was not true because we never lived on the streets). The first time I was called a charity case to my face- honestly, I forget how old I was- I blushed so hard. My face could have literally lit the room. It was embarrassing. I had not asked for anything either, but there she was telling me that my family and I were a "charity case". And this was a lady in the church. So yeah, Christian welfare, it might be a new term, but it is a sure thought. I think it was from this first encounter that I began to think I would never go back to living this kind of lifestyle. And now I am a missionary. Haha, God, You have a crazy sense of humor.
   
  " In preparation for both short- and long- term mission services, personal conviction about support raising will make or break our ability to realize ministry income: is it fundamentally right? Is it good? Is it holy? Am I worthy of support?" (Barnett)

   I think the last question is the age old question when it comes down to it. Jesus had financial supporters (Luke 8:3) so that would means 'yes' to the first three questions, but what about the last one? Often when I first contact someone about supporting me that is the question going through my mind- are they going to find me worthy of their financial support? Am I a good enough "cause" for them to pour into? Do they understand that they are coming onto my team- that together we are going to Thailand or India or Nepal or wherever else God leads me? The questions flood my mind and I freak myself out and then convince myself I cannot do it. But then I remind myself, God has called me. He has said, "Maya, go into all the world. Embrace this life. Trust Me for your finances." That alone tells me that, yes, I am worthy.
   But can I really raise the $500 monthly support I need to stay here in Madison? And hopefully, the rest of what I would need to go overseas and live. I have a long way to go, but God has shown me time and again how He is faithful and how He provides. So I guess that means I am excited and I expect something great out of this spring and summer.

UGH

    I know I said I was going to post about this past trip, but I can't. Not right now. Because right now, I do not know what I feel. Yes, the trip was fantastic. So much more than I ever dreamed it would be. Seriously. So why don't I know what I feel? Simple: the children's home I spent three weeks at was shut down by the government. The world of those children was torn asunder. There is so much more that I want to say about what is going on, but I need to be extremely cautious about what I say online.
    I am pretty sure I have no more tears left.. at first, I could not figure out why I was constantly crying. Then God pointed out: I opened up my heart to them. I poured out everything I had and then refilled and poured out more. I miss them like crazy, but I know, if at no other time, I will see them when our Heavenly Father says, "Welcome Home". Not something I really want to think about. But the whole thing is looking a whole lot better. But pray.
    I never really thought that I would open up my heart so fully, but I did. To 35 amazing children. Well, two of them are not children any more. So 33. I fell in love. Over and over. I wish I could tell you stories. Put up their pictures. Tell you their names. Alas, my heart grieves that you cannot meet them yet. Once I get the clearance though.. hahaha
    So pray. Pray they will always rely on God, no matter where they are at.

***Sorry, I definitely rambled.

Nepal

   I have been really bad about keeping y'all up-to-date and for that I am sorry.
   This year's outreach is halfway over- the time in Nepal comes to a close tomorrow morning. At six a.m., we load into a micro and head to Kathmandu International Airport to go to Pune, India.
The other day, we were all on the roof of the guesthouse in Kathmandu when we realized Nepal was almost over. We had done much and the dreaded question was voiced aloud: What had we really done? Did we make a difference?
  To be honest, I personally struggled with answering that question. How could I have made a difference when I was sick the whole time? I did, I think, one full day of ministry. The rest of the time were half days or not being able to go at all. But I did make a difference. Hear me out: while my team was out, yeah, I was busy hacking up my lungs and trying to pretend I could speak and that it did not hurt to swallow, yet I was also praying. Asking God to show up in the places my team was in. And then at the end of the day I would listen as they said, 'Oh yeah, this is what happened... someone got healed. Someone came to Jesus.' And yeah, it was not me. It was not because of me.
  While I was sick, I would have super long quiet times (what else was I supposed to do?) and I was consistently in verses or books of the Bible that talked about running the race. Keep going, keep going, keep going. But how do I keep going when everything in me and around me is saying I am not doing anything?
  By trusting.
  There is much that has happened. A lot I was able to take part in... and right now my brain is failing me...
  One thing though, was a picnic with the Kamaiya people in west Nepal. I want to do more research on them. Really learn who they are. One thing I already know though is that once they were slaves. And now they are free.
  What a story. What a thing to ponder and marvel at.

  Sorry my mind is so sporadic today. A lot going on and swirling around.

Floored

I just find it amazing that when I can do nothing, God does all things. I am going to keep this post short because I only have so much internet usage and I am exhausted.
Everything says I am not supposed to be here. There was no way I was buying a plane ticket. And then, a little under a week ago the money came in for everything.
Each time I prayed about going to Nepal and India I still felt like God was saying yes, but physically I saw nothing. It just was not possible. He kept saying, "trust Me". And I kept saying, "help me do that". And He did.
There is much more I wish to say, but I must sleep... I am barely staying awake as it is.
Goodnight from Mumbai.