Mae Sai part 2: Saying Goodbye

It is odd to think that this is my last full day in Mae Sai. I have fallen in love with this place and these people. Today lunch is at the same place as my first meal here in Mae Sai. God, I do not want this to ever be over. I want to continue on in this land, yet my heart yearns for elsewhere. Mayhap, just as travels as I would love to stay here. Learn the culture and the language. Know the land and different tongues. And yet, Moldova, Romania, Russia, India, and Myanmar are on my heart. Am I just to be held by these nations with no respect to my heart? Am I to be torn between the nations of the world? Will I have the privilege to simply do it all as The Lord calls me to?

There is no reason to stress about it. I just want to know. I want to wonder, write it down, and maybe see it come to pass.

(An hour later) It is amazing to think that right now, as I look at Memuyl and his friends that this could possibly be the very last time. How did this time pass me by? Was there more I could have done? Some other way in which I could have truly affected his life? I feel like, for a Monday, Mae Sai is not as busy. But then again, is it only me who feels this way? I am ready to cry as I think about my young friend and the life he is choosing. Why is it that we desire change for him moreso than he himself? Addiction. I hate that world and the ugly truth behind it. Memuyl is an addict. And nothing I do or say will change that. No matter how much I wish it would.

(Almost fifteen minutes later) I just said goodbye to my young friend and as much as I did not want to, as much as I knew I could not, I cried in front of him. And I am still crying. Crying and walking. Better than driving and crying.

(An hour and a half later) Somehow I made it back to the house. It is 4 pm and I have been out for the last 4 hours by myself. Now I feel like I need another 5 or 6 to cry and process. 

Saying goodbye is something I hate. Goodbye, to me, means forever. Yet I know I cannot say "until next time" because I do not know if there will be one. As I am saying goodbye to Memuyl and I begin to cry and walk away, he calls after me, "Maya , no". As he wipes his own eyes to explain what he is saying no about. I nod," I know". But I only cry harder. I walk away faster and he is calling after me. 

Maya, you Yim.

I know what he is trying to say, but it does not change the fact that I have no smile for this moment. I let the tears fall; at this moment I do not care if it is not a part of the culture. And I walk. I let my feet lead because my eyes are too full and I end up walking past the Not For Sale drop in center. I worked here all week and I was really surprised that is where I ended up, but it is. Assumpta came out and called to me as I had walked past the center, I turned and there she is in the middle of the road a huge grin on her face. " you and team not leave yet?" 

"No, tomorrow." I can not have this conversation right now. I want to finish crying over one goodbye before I need to add another. I walk in with her to meet some of the staff. Oot and Dow are there and all I want to do is run away. I do not want to have to say goodbye. I cannot be Yim right now. I say goodbye and Chu runs out of the building after me. Not the baby. Why is it that children pick up on feelings more than adults? Or at least are more keen to? I walk, again letting my feet lead. And I end up back at the house and am now sitting in the balcony continuing to cry and continuing to believe that even if there is nothing more I can do in this city God is faithful. I was not here this past week for nothing. Even if nothing else, I changed the spiritual atmosphere around here and made some great friends.