“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
The first time I heard he isn't safe, I flipped a lid. No joke. Hyperventilated under my tree for a few hours after that class. How could he be trustworthy if he isn't safe?
Now, almost five years later, I am very much aware that He is not safe. Since joining Y in 2012, I have been around the globe a few times. I have met people from many different nations, speakers of many tongues, and lived on three different continents. I have eaten insects, um, bigger animals, and a few things I am still not sure what it was. I have celebrated weddings, births, and mourned and grieved with the locals. I have learned more about my good Father than I had ever thought possible. I have enjoyed friendships for a season and some that have continued onto deep, solid friendships. I have discovered my calling and learned to love when it is most inconvenient (although that seems to be the theme of this season too). I have been bit, pooped on, proposed to, and laughed at. I have been loved well, fed (more love), and taught. I have had malaria, parasites, and infections. I have laughed, cried, and loved with my all. There have been a few times when I have thought 'this is hard', but never have I questioned the safety of my Father.
Not until now.
As I was sitting and talking with a friend today, pouring out my heart, releasing tension from my body and heart about how these past few weeks have been difficult for many reasons it hit me:
He isn't safe.
Right now, I so badly want Him to be safe. To not call me to the tame. To not ask me to expose my heart. To say it is okay for me to be hard and callous and shallow in my relationships. I so badly want Him to look at my weak and wounded heart and pity me. Cry with me. Pull me into the shelter of his pinions- I mean, you cannot get much closer than smelling armpits!
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will feel no evil for Thou art with me."
-Psalm 23
Only I fear this darkness. I fear this valley. Because this valley has gone down deeper than I have gone in a while. And aren't I supposed to be pursuing my calling in this time? Shouldn't I feel...something other than this feeling of hiding and running away? Why do I feel like David about to face Goliath? Or maybe how Ruth felt going into the land of Naomi or when she went before Boaz and laid at his feet? Why do I feel like Mary, the mother of Jesus, when the people found out about her carrying a babe during her engagement? Why do I feel lost and overwhelmed and like I am going deeper into a gorge? That it is no longer the shadow of death but it is death itself?
"Though He slay me, yet I will trust Him."
-Job 13:15
Though You slay me. Though I do not see the way out from this valley. Though I can no longer see the greener pastures and there seems to be no still waters. Though my friends seem to be in the same place and there is nothing I can do. Though I do not see how any of this dream will come to pass. Though You, my King, slay me, Your handmaiden.. I WILL trust you.
And I will not trust you because You make all things good in time. Or because I know you to be a Redeemer. Or because I desire something. No. I will trust You because You are my God and You are good. So even if I am here for the next five years- feeling like David, Ruth or Mary. Or if I am only in this place for the next six weeks, my King, my Lord, I WILL trust you. And not because You promise good or because I want to be looked upon as someone great.
"You make me brave. You make me brave. You call me out beyond the shores into the waves. Yeah, You make me brave."
"You Make Me Brave" by Bethel Music
Today, I do not feel courageous. I do not feel brave. In fact, I would rather dig a hole, climb into it, and bury myself (but not here in Alaska cause the ground is still really cold) and never acknowledge that I was not brave in this moment.
"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point."
-C.S. Lewis
Alllllll the virtues are being tested. I am pretty sure I am pulling a solid F- which is difficult cause I HATE failing.
So naturally, Will Reagan's "Take A Moment" came on. :) Okay, fine. Maybe for just this moment, I can be brave. After that, it is all You God.
